Remember that scene from the HBO series “Sex and the City”? The one where Samantha lost her orgasm? She shares the news with her friends, hoping for some advice. “Let’s retrace your steps”, says Carrie. “Were you on top?”. The girls exchange more intimate details but find no logical explanation to Samantha’s problems with orgasm.
Can you imagine having this conversation with your girlfriends? Enjoying a Saturday brunch and casually discussing best positions for “vaginal orgasm”? Being open about difficulties?
Most women don’t talk about the Big O among themselves. And keeping quiet does not help solve your bedroom problems.
In my practice as Certified Sex Coach I have spoken to dozens of women about pleasure (or the lack of it). My clients rarely discuss their intimate lives with friends. And even if they do, the conversations bring them down.
Why women don’t talk about problems with orgasm?
Remember those sex education classes from high school? They didn’t mention going to bed with someone could be fun, did they? School curricula focus on two things: prevention of unplanned pregnancy and avoiding sexually transmitted infections. Some teachers may discuss sexual violence. Intimate satisfaction is not much of a focus here.
In my years volunteering as sexuality educator in Poland, we ordered a batch of anatomy posters. To our surprise, one tiny but important detail was missing: the clitoris. Yes, makers of female anatomy drawings forgot about women’s body part responsible for pleasure!
Maybe schools are afraid talking about the nice part of sex could encourage young girls and boys to start doing it? Maybe. But this approach has serious consequences. As adult women we don’t know how to solve our orgasm problems. And we are ashamed to ask for help.
The destructive force of generalization
Even if you do manage to get enough prosecco into your girlfriends and get them talking about sex, the stories you will hear won’t go into much detail.
“It was so good”, Mary would share.
“I have a hard time… you know what”, Keisha might add.
While you can assume that Mary had an orgasm, you will never know unless you ask her. Perhaps the intercourse felt nice, but she didn’t really get to the top. Wouldn’t you want to know what she felt and how she got there?
And Keisha? Maybe her problem is that she can’t come during intercourse with her husband Keith. Yes, it’s frustrating. But in order to get any useful advice from her friends, she would have to be more specific.
Women are pros when it comes to detailed descriptions of events, people, and things. Some of my girlfriends can recall the details of a date that happened ten years ago. We know 15 different shades of red lipstick and can describe complex emotions. Why, then, do we generalize when talking about sex?
Going into juicy detail is often regarded as TMI (too much information). So, we prefer not to overdo it for fear of grossing our friends out. Many people also believe that sex is so intimate that they don’t even talk about it with their partners. They want things just to happen, magically. Believe me, they never do.
The Endless Fight of Clitoral vs. Vaginal Orgasms
I can understand why conversations about intimate issues are so difficult for women. We lack the right words. The names are either vulgar or medical. We may not even know what some things are called.
Sometimes, the descriptions we use, do more harm than good. Take, for example, the popular terms “clitoral orgasm” and “vaginal orgasm”. Women’s magazines present these as opposites, using the word versus. Sounds almost like an orgasm wrestling game, doesn’t it?
I don’t like this artificial distinction. It leaves my clients feeling not good enough when they “only” feel orgasms coming from their clitoris. They beat themselves up for not coming during intercourse with a partner.
There is no one way to feel good in bed. My hope is we finally stop focusing so much on the source of the Big O and focus on the fun it brings. It may come from your clit, vagina or maybe the tip of your ear – who cares, if it’s fun?
How Talking Can Help You Solve Your Orgasm Problems
One thing is certain. If you have trouble coming, keeping silent about it won’t help. Learning to talk about orgasms (and sexuality in general) is the first step to more pleasure in the bedroom. Let me give you an example from my own practice.
When my group coaching programs start, women are usually a bit shy. For many, this is the first time talking about sex to anyone, except their partner. It takes one or two sessions to build trust. Once that happens, it’s like an avalanche. Stories begin pouring out of them!
The more we chat and laugh about so-called taboo issues, the easier it is find the words to describe pleasure or masturbation techniques. After a few meetings, something magical happens. Some clients told me that those conversations helped them unblock. Suddenly, they remembered that sex was fun.
This is the power of language. The more we stay silent about it, the more we close ourselves to orgasms. If we dare to talk, we let go of tension and shame and make room for pleasure.
Opening up may seem difficult at first but it is a matter of practice. Choose the people that you can trust and give it a try.
Don’t Compare Yourself to Your Friends
A word of caution. If you grab the courage to start discussing Big O’s with your friends, treat their stories and tips as an inspiration, not an oracle Unless they are trained sexologists, their knowledge is based on personal experience and online articles.
Don’t compare yourself to other women. We are all different when it comes to orgasms and sexuality in general. Some of us learn to come as teenagers, others don’t climax until the age of 40 (or later). If you feel you are not getting enough satisfaction in bed, find a counsellor who will guide you on your journey.